Very Rough Personal Essay Draft Posted by Katrina , Monday, September 28, 2009 at 3:22 PM, in

Growing up in a world full of people is hard for someone like me. Having to meet and interact with people everywhere I go is hard. People like me don’t go to school functions, join any kind of team or club, we never raise our hands in class, even if we know the answer. Public speaking is out of the question. I and others alike don’t like doing anything around other people, we keep to ourselves. People like me, have Social Anxiety Disorder.

I’ve had Social Anxiety since I could remember. When I was little, my teachers just thought I was shy. They’d want me to do things with other children, but I was afraid. And if I told them I didn’t want to do it or that I didn’t feel comfortable doing it, I’d get in trouble. I was afraid people were watching me, judging me. Even though I realize my fears are silly, I still can’t get over them.

Since my parents divorced when I was eight, I’ve been moving from place to place to place. I have lived in a total of four states, Pennsylvania, Virginia, North Carolina, and Massachusetts, and I have moved a total of twelve times. The hardest part about moving is changing schools and trying to make new friends. Every school I went to just felt so weird to me, I felt out of place. I would wander the halls in circles trying to find my classes because I was too afraid to ask someone for help.

But one move was different from the rest; my move from York, Pa to Fall River, Ma. The night before the Friday that school started, I felt sick to my stomach. I tossed and turned all night. I daydreamed about how my first day would turn out. That night, I barely slept. I was still awake when my alarm clock went off. My mom walked into my room to grab her uniform for work, and saw me lying in bed, my face beat red, sweat running down my face. I couldn’t believe it. I was so afraid of starting school at Durfee, that my body had an actual reaction, causing me to become sick. Having that said, I did not go to school that day. On Monday however, my mother forced me to go to school.

I was extremely nervous when I woke up for my first day of school, I don’t know why. Maybe it was the fact that I was a new student in a huge, gigantic school in an unfamiliar city. I’ve never even lived in a city before. I was afraid I wouldn’t know my way around the school. I was afraid people would pick on me. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to find my way home. I was afraid the classes would be too hard. My fear was greater that day than I could ever remember.

Walking up to the building, I could feel my legs becoming jello beneath me. I was shaking and sweating profusely. But, I managed to walk into the building. I also managed to find my classes that day. When I walked through the halls, I felt as if no one even noticed I existed. In class, I felt like everyone watched every little thing I did. At lunch, I felt like a loner. I didn’t sit with anyone. I didn’t eat; I refused. The first couple weeks went on like that. Every morning when I woke up, the feeling would repeat. Every single morning. I was miserable and completely dreaded going to school.

But from there, it kind of got better. Day after day, seeing the same people, I found out which ones I liked from the way they acted and the things they said and did. I knew what teachers I liked, and knew which ones I disliked. I eventually warmed up to some of my fellow peers and began socializing with them on a regular basis. It was like I had just won a marathon, that’s how ecstatic I was. I had people to talk to, walk with, and even eat lunch with. I didn’t feel so alone anymore.

That was a big accomplishment for me. In my past, I was more of the person who sat in the back of the room and was just there, more of a decoration than a human being. And in the classes I did well in, I was known as some kind of nerd or geek. If people wanted to talk to me, they would approach me, I would never approach them.

In my other schools, I didn’t have very many friends; I had a very close, small circle of friends though. And at Durfee, I had more friends than I had in all my other schools put together. Walking around in the school, I was at ease. I knew people. They’d talk to me. If I seen them in the hall, they’d smile and wave, and I’d return the gesture. It made me happy that I was able to work around my disorder.