Growing up in a world full of people is hard for someone like me. Having to meet and interact with people everywhere I go is hard. People like me don’t go to school functions, join any kind of team or club, we never raise our hands in class, even if we know the answer. Public speaking is out of the question. I and others alike don’t like doing anything around other people, we keep to ourselves. People like me, have Social Anxiety Disorder.
I’ve had Social Anxiety since I could remember. When I was little, my teachers just thought I was shy. They’d want me to do things with other children, but I was afraid. And if I told them I didn’t want to do it or that I didn’t feel comfortable doing it, I’d get in trouble. I was afraid people were watching me, judging me. Even though I realize my fears are silly, I still can’t get over them.
Since my parents divorced when I was eight, I’ve been moving from place to place to place. I have lived in a total of four states, Pennsylvania, Virginia, North Carolina, and Massachusetts, and I have moved a total of twelve times. The hardest part about moving is changing schools and trying to make new friends. Every school I went to just felt so weird to me, I felt out of place. I would wander the halls in circles trying to find my classes because I was too afraid to ask someone for help.
But one move was different from the rest; my move from York, Pa to Fall River, Ma. The night before the Friday that school started, I felt sick to my stomach. I tossed and turned all night. I daydreamed about how my first day would turn out. That night, I barely slept. I was still awake when my alarm clock went off. My mom walked into my room to grab her uniform for work, and saw me lying in bed, my face beat red, sweat running down my face. I couldn’t believe it. I was so afraid of starting school at Durfee, that my body had an actual reaction, causing me to become sick. Having that said, I did not go to school that day. On Monday however, my mother forced me to go to school.
I was extremely nervous when I woke up for my first day of school, I don’t know why. Maybe it was the fact that I was a new student in a huge, gigantic school in an unfamiliar city. I’ve never even lived in a city before. I was afraid I wouldn’t know my way around the school. I was afraid people would pick on me. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to find my way home. I was afraid the classes would be too hard. My fear was greater that day than I could ever remember.
Walking up to the building, I could feel my legs becoming jello beneath me. I was shaking and sweating profusely. But, I managed to walk into the building. I also managed to find my classes that day. When I walked through the halls, I felt as if no one even noticed I existed. In class, I felt like everyone watched every little thing I did. At lunch, I felt like a loner. I didn’t sit with anyone. I didn’t eat; I refused. The first couple weeks went on like that. Every morning when I woke up, the feeling would repeat. Every single morning. I was miserable and completely dreaded going to school.
But from there, it kind of got better. Day after day, seeing the same people, I found out which ones I liked from the way they acted and the things they said and did. I knew what teachers I liked, and knew which ones I disliked. I eventually warmed up to some of my fellow peers and began socializing with them on a regular basis. It was like I had just won a marathon, that’s how ecstatic I was. I had people to talk to, walk with, and even eat lunch with. I didn’t feel so alone anymore.
That was a big accomplishment for me. In my past, I was more of the person who sat in the back of the room and was just there, more of a decoration than a human being. And in the classes I did well in, I was known as some kind of nerd or geek. If people wanted to talk to me, they would approach me, I would never approach them.
In my other schools, I didn’t have very many friends; I had a very close, small circle of friends though. And at Durfee, I had more friends than I had in all my other schools put together. Walking around in the school, I was at ease. I knew people. They’d talk to me. If I seen them in the hall, they’d smile and wave, and I’d return the gesture. It made me happy that I was able to work around my disorder.
Snapshot
As dawn approached, large raindrops descended from the sky, dancing across the streets of Dallas , Texas
Before the pale, dark-haired boy departed the hotel room, he took one last look in the mirror and gave himself a weak smile. Down in the lobby, his scanty robotics team awaited his arrival. From the window, they clearly saw that the rain was pounding the saturated earth; they quickly obtained translucent plastic from a nearby table, from which other people were seated. The material easily contoured to their bodies, taking the shape of a poncho within an instant before they dashed out the doors and down the street.
When the team came to a halt outside the building, Kevin felt as if it towered over him. His heart fluttered faster than a hummingbird; he could hear the constant pattering of his heartbeat in his ears. Through the threshold, the building was overly-congested with people. Entering the building, he could feel his knees becoming weak and his hands growing clammy in his pockets. He disposed of the damp plastic that was molded to his body and took a seat up against the wall where the other competitors sat.
Over time, his mouth grew dry in anticipation of being called to perform in the arena. When the speaker called his name, he stood; rosy red coloring flooded his cheeks. Feeling a little nauseous, he squatted to grab his robot and tools. With his voice a little raspy and shaken, he managed to mutter to his robot, “Let’s do this, Scudmeoba”.
Reflection on Brainstorming
I had a hard time coming up with ideas for my personal essay. I had a couple ideas but, I didn't know how I could get my personal experiences to connect with my readers. After sitting at my computer desk for hours, I gave up and laid in bed. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I got out of bed and began jotting down ideas rapidly over at my desk. My personal essay is based upon fear and nervousness, more along the lines of getting over certain fears so I'm not as nervous in the future. I thought this was a great topic to write about because everyone has had a time in their life that they had a fear they needed to conquer, or felt somewhat nervous about something. My essay is how I began coping with my Social Anxiety Disorder.
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